Grace...not Up in here.

why hello blog how have you been? I have been well thank you for asking.  I know it has been a hot minute since i wrote anything but i have been feeling exceptionally un-funny lately and i didn't want to bore people with subpar humor. 

I would like to let everyone know that I am at this moment sitting in my man chair, eating crab cakes and watching Ravens football...its like the perfect storm minus the Natty Boh and surrendering an unfortunate amount of money to state taxes...I'm home.

So, I'm not entirely sure who to blame or when it happened but as I am sure you have all noticed Zombies are the new Vampire.  They are quite "in" it seems.  Call of Duty, movies, TV shows and now obstacle races.   I participated in the Run for Your Life race this weekend in Darlington.  I dressed like a zombie and chased people around while they tried to arm bar me and poke me in the eye and break my fingers...it was the danger zone for sure and NOT for the runners.  Now...I say "participated" in lieu of "ran" because it turns out as Sarah, Loo and now half of the zombie community now knows...I fall when i run outside.

You know what's worse than falling in the middle of a race where you at the time one of the lead females in your heat?  Falling in the middle of a race where you are one of the lead females while covered in fake blood and rocking a zombie-hawk.  Nothing like making a fool out of yourself while looking rad.  I knew it was bad when the other racers would run by me and see the golf ball knot on my ankle and exclaim "HOLY F*** THATS BROKEN!!!" thanks for the vote of confidence ladies and gents how's about lying to me and telling me I'm pretty and its just a bump.  That's what my REAL friends would do...just saying. 

The ridiculous thing is i fell because I was reading a sign.  That's right I looked over to read a sign that simply read "cold?wet?" and down I went.  It wasn't pretty and it CERTAINLY wans't graceful.  I'd LIKE to think that I run like some kind of elegant gazelle but in reality it more resembles one of those dogs that grew too fast and has no idea how long his legs are or how big his feet have become. I take my eyes off the ground for ONE effing second and look what happens.  I have written a few times about my inherent ability to walk blindly into stationary equipment, walk literally though closed screen doors and on one occasion after my senior prom walking face first into a glass sliding door so hard that i actually woke people up.  I am quite aware that if i stop for ONE moment to look away from the path i am taking disaster will ensue.

So needless to say I cant do a WHOLE lot of anything right now...I'm pretty pissy about it and have chosen to take it out on my satellite training crew out in Washington state (I am taking suggestions for their group name).  They are headed up by my bestie and they are taking the brunt of my hobbling.  I'm pretty sure that after today's WOD they aren't going to talk to me for awhile as Sarah has YET to reply to my last message and that just DOESNT happen.  I will say that I'm ubes proud of all of them and plan on writing about their successes here soon as soon as i get all the deets from them.  Until them I will jstu make super sure that they hate me for about an hour everyday but heart me each morning when they wake up all sexy and stuff. 

She loves me...She loves me not....

So there are a few prices that have to be paid for being considered a TRULY good friend of mine.  Those of you who are in that circle know who you are.  You know about the crazy you know about the dumb ideas and the repeated offenses.  I look at it like national security.  Not EVERYONE knows everything but more so I keep things compartmentalized so that in the case of compromise (tequila)  my whole psychosis is not revealed.  There are a SELECT few who are privy to all the deets...they know who they are and they ain't talkin' so I'm good.

So as I said, the down side to knowing all the drama that is Katya is that you unknowingly agreed to a non disclosure agreement that allows ME to disclose things that you say but not the other way around...sorry it's the rules, you were read in and you signed the indoc paperwork...you're bound...shut your mouth.

That little soliloquy was in its own way my " I'm sorry but you KNEW it was coming and you're about to get called out" to a Ms Sarah Beth Jett and Co.. 

Now as this is MY blog, and we have already covered the cemented fact that I am in fact QUITE self involved, I will play it off as if I am writing about the successes of other people but I will in fact be highlighting  my own bad-assery.  Consider that your warning order.

As you all may or may not know Sarah is my bestie.  We have been through pretty much everything two people can go through together.  We have served our country together.  We have been to war together.  We have loathed one another while being forced to sleep in bunk beds together.  I am proud to say I am the only bridge she has rebuilt and I'm not even sure how we did it.  We got divorced together .  We fall together.  We laugh, she makes me cry, she keeps me still.  She gave birth to my godson.  She is who I am.    ALL that being said I have the esteemed pleasure of causing her immense pain on a daily basis...let me explain.

Sarah had my god son a little over a year ago.  She enlisted my help...uh...eff...how long ago now Sarah??? 6 months? has it been that long yet? Anyways she enlisted my help, we shall say 6 months ago, to help her get back into shape.  OH it's important to mention that Sarah lives in Washington state....on the other side of the country.  I, on a daily basis, respond to the gchat message of "WOD ME BITCH" with some horrible nonsense that I conjure up in my head while  eating almonds at my desk.  USUALLY it is really brutal ...SOMETIMES it's the tiniest bit funsies...MOST of the time she replies with "I hate you so much right now" but ALWAYS it's in her best interests.

It worked.  WHATEVER the hell I tell her to do not only does she complain about it (and get punished for complaining by having to do burpees) but she FINISHES it.  She performs the Katya death WODs at the gym in her office on her lunch break with a few guys who also work with her. 


She reported these results to me:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I deleted it!!!! UGGGGGGGG I will try to gist it.  She MADE me promise I wouldn't blog about it but whatever shut up what are you going to do Sarah DE-friend me...I EFFING dare you.  The gist is:  all her jeans are HUGE on her,  her LULU has gotten baggy.  She hits new PR's weekly.  She is stronger , faster, better and  healthier.  The dude she works out with has lost like 40# and she likes being on top again...BOOM!!!

I'd say all in all EFFING success story.  TO my point: NO I'm NOT really trying to highlight that I'm some amazing trainer coach person despite the fact and she can attest, I have coached her via video chat and really garbled emails on proper form and technique through this whole thing...sending her YouTube videos and trying my best to explain where the bar is SUPPOSED to land on a hang clean...not on your clavicle but on your front delts...But no...I'm not trying to brag.  This shit is possible.  I didn't REALLY DO anything.  She did all the work.  Every ounce of praise goes to her.  SHE did it not me.  She is effing solid proof that  if you want  to accomplish something as EASY as physical transformation...because regardless of what all of you think...it IS fucking easy you just have to WANT it...you are more than able to do just that.  Sarah is a full time mother, full time fiancée, full time employee and full time Katya downward spiral recovery specialist.  Chicks plate is full.  She is running her first 5k obstacle run tomorrow (today) and I couldn't be prouder of what SHE has done. 

I love you Sarah.  I know we don't talk on the phone unless in dire straits or speeding nor do we actually SAY how important we are to one another.  It's one of the things I love best about you you just know.  You JUST know that you are exactly who I want to be when I grow up and you keep me tied together ... all my crazy bits.  Slaughter some slop tomorrow make me prouder if that's possible.

Love,

Katya